I wrote Chasm over many years as my faith and relationships were tested. It's the most autobiographical work from my stories, and while I touched on themes of sexual immorality and depression, I primarily used it to work out my longing for an unbelieving friend. It is an ode to sehnsucht.
In this story, a newly turned vampire has been given the promise of redemption, and the power to walk in daylight to achieve his dream. Through his many hardships, his own internal conflict proves to be the most difficult. He is intoxicated by his sinister bride, and while he longs to stay with her, he must decide - will he continue on his journey alone and claim his promise, or forfeit his soul for the vampire he loves?
These are the journal entries of this daywalker.
"You think you know me well, but I'm not backing down." At least, that's what she said to me. From the edge of my guilt, I don't see anything. I cannot shake the stench of my sin, and i cannot find the sunlight from the way I came in.
I cannot breathe. I cannot see. There's no one left alone in darkness who'll find me.
Foul winds have fortified my regret. Foul winds have fortified my despair. Foul winds have fortified my sweat. Foul winds have fortified shame, and nothing remains anywhere.
I slept too long in here, and now I lost control. Oh lord, can you save me from my hole. I drank her in and breathed her out all on my own. How long must I wait down here all alone?
Oh Christ! I cannot breathe. Can you still bleed? There's one thing left alone in darkness who'll save me.
Avenge Me, I'm Decaying
My spirit fades away, and feelings disappear. The choices that I've made have only put me here. So many friends are gone. So many things went wrong. Now all that's left are broken pieces on the floor. It had to end like this; My story ends like this, searching for that something that I missed so far away.
Stars shook brightly at night through meteorites and blackholes. California's killin me and massachusetts' all alone. Do all my fantasies burn like this? Do all the memories end like this? Avenge me, I'm decaying.
For tomorrow's oath of doom I would not see her go. On this my choices loom and sacred vows you broke.
So many things are gone, and so many friends went wrong. The weight of guilt upon my back kills the feeling anyway. Can't move forward, can't look back to her, anymore... so far away.
Do all my fantasies burn like this? Do all the memories end like this? Avenge me, I'm decaying. Now all that's left are broken pieces on the floor. It had to end like this. My story ends like this. Searching things I missed. I'm automatically in need of your grace. You tear me down, you build me up. Avenge me, I'm decaying, lord. She pierced my heart, you fill my cup. Avenge me, I'm decaying.
I left this one off the shelf, 'cause here they all go again. He can't even think for himself now and so they plugged him in.
You're out of line. You had to hate her. Good work agitator. You will not receive me, and now I'm your worst enemy, 'cause everything you said to them about me was a lie.
Wait you've gone too far. No one respects you anymore. Nothing you can say now can bring them through that door.
You're out of line. You had to hate her. Good work agitator. You all are the same, so bring on the pain. There's nothing left here anymore.
You push, you pull. She slips out of your hand. You watch her fly away, and there's nothing that you can do. You fight, you pray, but there is nowhere to go; We're stronger then you know!
This is not where we wanna be. This is not where we came, when everything looks different and nothing else feels the same. Free will has control of me. Free will's just not what it used to be, and she cries... I wish i could hide. I wish i could run; Run away. But the fact still remains, That our hero has been slain.
You said some things back there to me. Doesn't take too long to justify. Ripped from breast and silken skin of the women all my life I've tried too hard to see. Nothing fills this void, oh God. I might just have to give it one more try one more time...
What happened to my innoncence? What happened to my pain? What happened to my guilt? What happened to my shame? Every single thing was stripped away and I'm left with no regret. The shame... where is the shame? I wish i could cry. I wish I could mourn the death, Of my friend!
This is not where i wanna be. And you're a sucker for making me sin. You're fate is sealed swiftly and mine's traded in for skin!
The Spoil Plantation
The daywalker encounters an ancient site of working machinery and factories in the desert. Its purpose and function remains unknown.
I crossed the desert. I could not find one remnant of her in light or darkness. I am still pleading for Shannon Divine. I gave up looking long ago and washed away the dream with every passing day. I looked into the skies for hope, but i have nothing to show for it. I have nothing to show for it.
Comon, i need a connection. Comon, let me inside. Pull back the fading darkness; A world screaming vacant lies.
You like it here. You are deceived. They pulled apart the seam and pulled your heart out. You think you know what you believe. You're just regurgitating. You're just regurgitating. You're just regurgitating And repeating, And repeating...
Who can take away my sin? And all of the selfish things i said? And turn them into dust again before she thinks to turn her head away from me? I gave everything that I had to give, but she tore it up and threw it out on the floor. I wanted so much to see her live, but i can't give − I can't give anything to anyone anymore.
I am crumbling. I turn to dust. I choke on blood and fear the cross without you.
I lost all my will from this one mistake. I'm much too afraid to find her there. Oh, pierce my heart with wooden stakes. I'm much too ashamed to return here without her.
She's dead, lying burned therein. The wrath of God builds up her fate. Sin, Atrocities within deny the Holy One her state of mind, in tune with lies and hate. Trapped beneath the dust and snow, to love and hold, though on my own, I search for keys to free her captive soul.
Oh, bad kitty, taste the honey on your tongue. Oh, bad kitty, feel the lemon in your gut.
Your arguments are weak at best. Behold, your spirit thins before the [glorious ones] provide the test. You seem to God some filthy whore. The secrets are indeed divine, filled with pain and sorrow in. Still I throw the pearls to the swine. It's not too late to stop your sin.
I'm often threatened by this cold world and doomed to wander throughout it's womb, but now my heart jumps at this jewel and resurrects decrepit tomb. Still all too many will turn away while disregarding all I've said and all the wonders done in His name. Now cast in fire and darkest pit.
++ glorious ones in this chapter refer to demons ++
In my darkest void, I taste her flesh. In my secret lair, I sacrifice myself. She summoned to me; She summoned to me fate worse than death. She captured and enslaved me.
Crucify my traitor heart, love. Strip away the sin. Steal away my soul with kisses. Decimate my vixen.
I crawl beneath her. I swallow up her lies. I hide in secret and hold up my disguise. I'm lost without you. I'm lost without you. Bind her up inside and cast her far away.
Crucify my vixxxen.
How long can I endure this torment? I see much more than you know. I've seen your face rushing through at sundown and pressing on my skin. (Illuminate this place)
Get off, it's your mess that got me into feeling dirty. Takes my sweet time just to make things right. (You're so commanding) Held my breathe for far to long, but she's toxic and you're wrong. Now I'm awake.
How long can I take on the pressure. I walk beneath un-wanting skies riddled with battles and swooning with her cries.
I miss her. I want her. I still remember His quiet presence − the thunder rolling down, but then my heart began to wither and fade. Liar! You're nothing but a traitor! You polluted all my dreams. I guess, I must admit: I'm the one to blame.
Tragedy at Carnival Hill
I buried you. I left you deep inside the ground. I couldn't find my way from where I was at. Wanderin' my way downtown, and wanderin' my way back.
I don't even know you anyway, and I don't even hear from you, anymore.
I wait alone, Locked in my own factory. My spirit moves its way over the sea. I gave away my heart, I sent out all of me, but ravens still devoured everything.
I don't even know you anyway, and I don't even hear from you, anymore. And I asked them if you were still near, but they just shrugged and told me you disappeared. Come back to me, baby. Default to me, honey, yeah. Lie to me, child. I have to go now, I have to go now for a while.
Rage into Blindness
Wait. I'm not that strong. I'm too diseased, and I'm left shambled on my knees. I don't think they thought this through, and now it's down to just one thing. Lies! I'm torn away inside among the ruins of my dreams; My perfect little world is dead! There's nowhere left to hide, but in the dark it seems the view's much better here than it really is!
I am wretched and complicated, and I can't get through anymore...
Stained. I thought i had it all. I'm often left alone with broken toys and blood spilled on the floor. I'm Sick! And reduced to a crawl, but in this hell it seems the pain's much better here than it really is!
Dead. Now everything is gone. Believed in what was said. Then everything went wrong. I can't hold on! and the skin begins to fade as I awake in this holocaust of stains, so i have nothing but broken bones, decaying in these chains!
I pulled in right behind this place. I lost my way again. I'm too afraid. Cold memories in twilight, I'm just machine without grace. I'm too ashamed. Still blood trickles down His skin, and the nails hammer down on my sin. I still feel the pain from things I've done. I still feel so weak from my mistakes. I don't have anything to give. Please give me your hand so I might live, Lord.
I need all you. I need all you. The Son knows what the Father knows, and I don't know how this all goes... still i need all of you.
A Fading Fragrance
I will reduce you. I will reduce you. I can reach through. I will reduce you. Set me free before I do. And that's the worst mistake I've made, that I've denied my own best friend.